Within each of us are longings. Many are common such as a sense of purpose, a place to belong, to love and be loved, to know and be known, connection with the Divine and making someone else’s life better because of our choices.
The last couple of weeks, I have been pressing into the longing to know myself as I am today. In order to do that, I have delved into who and what has influenced, motivated and inspired me. It’s a journey both fulfilling and painful. It energizes me and depletes me.
In and though writing about my journey with Richard, I was confronted with my past and how other’s choices have influenced me. I have looked deeply into the consequences of my own choices. Seeing how childhood sexual abuse impacted my view of myself has brought me to a place of visceral compassion for my younger self. Living out of distorted beliefs and paralyzing fears, covered with a shield of “having it all together” was a truly terrifying and lonely place to be held captive. So many opportunities were lost because of fear of judgment, shame and insecurity.
These introspections can lead to regret. I refuse to allow regret to grow in me. We don’t know what we don’t know. Right or wrong, we make choices out of what we know. It is often after we learn more, we recognize another choice would have been better. We must allow grace to lead us to forgiveness for ourselves and others.
My longing to know myself better is stirring a need to go someplace beautiful and enjoy creation. Lake Michigan is calling. The sound of the waves, the feel of the sand, the smell of the breeze is a sure bet in restoring my soul. It is the place I grew up. I can find my younger self there easily. Going to find her, then asking Life and Truth to speak into her will provide healing. Bringing all I know now to what I didn’t know then will transform her, integrating her more fully into the resurrected Larko I am becoming.
So, off I go, with my main squeeze Shiloh, maybe even rascally Cricket, to a place I have been, believing I will come back more fully who I am.
May you know the best of who you are so you may enjoy what Love wants to bring to you and through you.
Finding joy in life discovering me, looking forward to how knowing myself more fully may help others take a step toward the Creator. It is by encountering him, we all find who we were made to be!
It’s a great day!